I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Where is your GOD now????
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?