I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
How actors in movies eat their food
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Catercrombie & Fish
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles