I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I triple waxed for this?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food