Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.