I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.