Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

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