Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

my retirement plan is braless

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon