Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go