God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime
ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—
BRUCE: Bring me a cape
I only eat vegetarians.
I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring