“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS