“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.