“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
You Might Also Like
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day