“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne