I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Snapes on a plane.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷