I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
stand with me against insufficient seating
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
They got Raph!
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children