Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes