I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
felt cute might bury dad later idk
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I occasionally drink every single night.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me