Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Getting married soon just need a spouse

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

plant them where lol