Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?