I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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Go hard or stay average
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
LOOOOOOL
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]