Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.