Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.