I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
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[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
huge if true: the moon
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Golf would be better with landmines.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.