I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?