Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.