Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

dude it’s called proctologist

🤣🤣🤣

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

*updates tinder bio*

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.