I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My current situation
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
this is what they would have looked like, though
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!