Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lmfaoooooo

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Who did it better?

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop