Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to try this trend 😊

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?