Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine