Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.