“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Proctology is located in A55
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.