I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
What
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]