I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
whatcha thinkin bout
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.