I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.
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50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started