Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Sharon, call the vet

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.