I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind