I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.