Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you’re hungry.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.