@UnIxphysco

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

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@jazmasta

Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.

@ronnui_

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@sirchutney

“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook

@jeepwave7

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

@HatfieldAnne

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.