I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.