Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS