Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they really do be looking like this

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

I’m ready for Halloween this year

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Need this in my life lol