Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Happy Halloween 🎃

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.