Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.