Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

THE AUDACITY. 😤

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

We all have our pet causes.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?