I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.