Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.