“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.