Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

When I said I liked it rough.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL