“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
You Might Also Like
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.