Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Sooo many times…..

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either