I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.