I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.