i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
me: my friends:
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
long lost
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Always
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
