I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.