I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Camping tip: No.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
logging onto twitter…
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.