i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.