i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!