i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Good morning!
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous