Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.