Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless