” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
2022 be like
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Batman v Dracula
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Skills