” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Phonetics
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.