i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Digital security in Ancient Troy
