i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
