i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
You Might Also Like
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.