Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

when she block me on everything

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl