Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no!! no!!!!!!

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned