Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

thank god

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.