I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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Snack for election night!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.