I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
yes yes a thousand times yes!
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
🤣🤣🤣
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds